Round and Round we go

Over the years I feel that the two of us have never really clicked. We tried; we had more energy and more desire to make it work in the beginning so maybe the total lack of compatibility was overshadowed by our young and hopeful outlook. As time passed and the shimmer and newness of the relationship faded, as overly-comfortable habits and laziness kicked in, it became more apparent that things were not as bright as they had previously seemed.

Lately it feels like every issue - however small - is a potential point of contention. It makes me even more inclined than before to just not bother.

My approach to it from the beginning has been one of positivity, knowing we could make the most of any struggle and get through it together with love and compromise. Isn't that how it's supposed to work? I know he would say otherwise because everything I do has always been negative, depressed, judgmental, etc. Apparently. But if I was as negative about him as he thinks, I would have left a long time ago. And maybe I should have. But instead I have invested a lot of myself into him and his personal improvement ... with no change. I have had what I think is the right approach to my marriage (total dedication without the thought of divorce), to the detriment of my own happiness because I ultimately realized I was the only one trying. There comes a point when you feel like you're trapped. Your spouse thinks things are great while you realize more and more with time that you are settling for mediocrity; and you are stuck. There just comes a point when you can't invest anymore when the return is nil. And you can't try anymore when there is no reciprocal effort, no desire to see what the other person sees and make an effort for them.

When we do talk these days, it seems that tensions are a bit higher, emotions are more tender, and reactions are more defensive. If that's even possible. It's a strain, that's for sure. I feel like I have a responsibility to tell him when his interpersonal and communication skills are lacking, selfish, snide, bitter and when I feel offended by his words or actions ... I feel like he needs to know when he is like this so he can hear from me - even though he has never ever truly listened or changed based on my comments - that THESE are the times that cause me to hate our marriage. THESE are the interactions that confirm he has no respect, no true and selfless love for me that would make him pause for just 2 seconds to think before he speaks. It's hurtful. It's discouraging. I'm walking on egg shells at all times. I'm avoiding serious concerns and topics simply to avoid the argument - the round and round - with him. So I go on being unhappy and ignoring my gut, which tells me there has to be a better way and that settling is not my only option. He says I should just talk to him, tell him when I have these feelings. And yet when I do, there is somehow a very reasonable explanation excuse for why I'm wrong and he's right. And so nothing ever changes. There is no compromise from him. I just go on feeling diminished and ignored, disrespected and overlooked. But somehow, all of this is my fault. I'm breaking our family apart. I'm leaving and "giving up" on our relationship. And of course, because we are getting a divorce, we are not able to have a decent relationship now or in the future. His perspective right now seems to require that we don't get along. My perspective says we MUST get along, but he can't justify those two things; he can't see a life where we are divorced and still maintain an amicable relationship.

What has been so challenging and painful for me is feeling like I have tried so hard for so many years only to have my efforts ignored and dismissed; only to be told my efforts were not in fact helpful, or even noticeable. That my encouragement has fallen on deaf ears. It's like a great schism between us that I have tried for so long to broach. But he hasn't been trying. And I'm fumbling. And I'm just done.

Does that really make me the selfish one? Does that really make me the one who is giving up prematurely? Do I have to keep this up for the rest of my life in order to be considered a good wife? Does this have to go on until we're old and gray together and I'm still unhappy in order for him to think I have truly made an effort? When all my efforts go ignored, no amount of effort will ever be enough. It's the ultimate exhaustion in a relationship where one party thinks things are great as the other party suffers and struggles to feel contendedness with their life.

I still haven't come up with a way to explain and convey to him all of what I just wrote here. The esasperating truth is that I have told him all of what I just wrote here but it doesn't seem to get through. It doesn't click for him because he doesn't see it the same way so he can't (won't?) understand why they are all deal breakers for me. So it's very difficult for me to help him see where I'm coming from if he ... just ... won't see where I'm coming from. I can hope that one day when we have distance from this challenging period that he will see and understand just a little bit of my struggle. For now we just go round and round with no progress, no clarity ... round and round and round.