This co-parenting thing ...

Is tough. Especially when the other parent is - intentionally or not - complicating things. A lot. Especially when the other parent decides to back out of a day with his son, and then an hour later decide he wants to have his son after all, and then the next morning act all covert-ops and refuse to text me about his schedule and then just disappear when he's supposed to be picking up Asher.

Especially when the other parent feels like they are all alone, no one is helping them or caring about them and their schedule and their needs, and that they are constantly getting the short end of the stick, Natalie. You have people helping you, Natalie. If I could be xyz all the time, Natalie, that would be great. But I can't.

Well apparently, because of his subsequent failures and disappointments, I am the responsible party; for causing this divorce, for demanding things from him that are just so unreasonable. I'm responsible for his lack of responsibility (!), his lack of maturity, his lack of willingness to work hard and make an effort at life. Because apparently he wasn't this sad and this alienated and this much of a failure when I met him; it's just gotten worse and worse, thanks to my encouragement.

I mean really, we're talking about *his* son here, too. If he wants to see him, he can see him. The schedule is simply there to make our lives as structured and predictable (in at least this one area) as possible so we all know what's happening next and there isn't total chaos. But of course he thrives on total chaos, being the center of attention and then acting like it's everyone else's problem that there is chaos and he's just the innocent victim. So of course he screws up the schedule and then blames me for expecting from him: responsibility, consistency, follow-through. God. Forbid.

I tried not to lull myself into thinking that co-parenting would be a breeze. I knew it wouldn't be. If moving out was this hard on me, I knew co-parenting would present its own set of challenges. I do still have to interact with him and try to make those interactions as friendly and caring and thoughtful and peaceful as possible - FOR ASHER. However, if I'm the only one making those efforts and taking those strides toward an amicable relationship, it will only fail. Which is the obvious end result. If you think about our marriage, it failed for the same reason. You can't have a partnership where one partner is dragging the other partner through the relationhip, forcing them to be responsible, be an adult ... because they are lazy and think everything is A-OK all the while blaming the other partner for making them feel like a failure.

So yeah, I knew that if nothing changed inside him, this relationship would be no different than our marriage. But it's still hard. It's still really difficult to know that I have to deal with this stunted, selfish person who doesn't even know or care how to interact with me in an adult and mutually respectful way, for the next twenty years. He doesn't even see the care and respect I give to him as such. He has always thought my interactions with him are barbed with judgment and rudeness and malice. Good God that is exhausting.

I don't know how this thing is going to go. Some days it seems fine and other days it's a rollercoast ride, a balancing act, a back and forth between reason and completely irrational emotion. Maybe in time things will settle into a more comfortable and predictable routine. For everyone's sake I know that's what needs to happen but I can't force it to happen. If I've learned anything, I know I can't make anything happen with or for him that he doesn't also want to happen. My entire marriage was me trying so hard to get him to be a success, to think better of himself; and I finally realized what a crazy-making, failed-from-the-start endeavor THAT was. Despite what he says he's a glutton for punishment. He refuses to break away from that rut so it's all he knows and all he allows.

At least this time around I can know from the start that I can do nothing to control or manage this situation except to ensure Asher's care and safety and to ensure MY sanity by staying above the fray of drama. Or at least trying.

On Moving Out. On Moving On.



Summer sun in the backyard

This weekend, I moved out. I have spent much of this year in a fog, feeling like I'm not sure what to do, what my next step will be, how to take that step, and what will happen when I do.

January 6th was the day that kind of started it all. Kind of, only because it had actually started long before; but it was the day of reckoning, the day of honesty, the day I made my decision known. It hit me that day that THAT was why I had waited so long to say anything. Telling my spouse I was done was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced.

All year I've waited and talked and taken time to ease into this reality. All year I've tried to be sensitive and understanding and caring as much as I can. To a point, this is good; it's always good to treat other people with care and delicacy and respect for their feelings. But beyond that point it is out of my control and not my problem. Rude? Definitely not. Realistic? For sure.

October 13th saw me leaving the house for the last time as a resident (my name remains on the mortgage for the time being) and driving away with the last trunk full of clothes, tchotchkes and furniture. I left the rooms in as much order as I could. I rearranged furniture to make sure the rooms didn't look abandoned and messy. Instead, they look neatly arranged and comfortable, floors swept, pillows fluffed, beds made. Again, I didn't have to; but I did. Maybe because I'm pretty damn nice. Or maybe because I'm scared and walking on egg shells and it's one thing I can do to ... appease?

The moving out is done. Now for the moving on.



Cottonwood tree

My ex mother in law thinks I just need to tell him in details why I am done so he can move on. I find that amusingly unrealistic, considering I've talked and detailed til I'm blue in the face. Considering I've busted my butt working for this marriage to no avail. You can't be the only one working on a partnership; that's an oximoron. Eight years later, I finally got that. And no amount of talking and explaining and detailing will get him to see or understand where I'm coming from. I can only hope that time will help him heal, and that HE will help himself heal by being honest - truly, painfully honest - with himself and with his therapist to reach a realistic, healthy place for his own good. He needs that. And I can't get him to that place. I sure tried though.

As I pulled away from my house for the last time as a resident, I felt a wash of relief and renewal. Like I could start being me again. Like I could try to find the new, grown up, independent Natalie, whoever she is. Like I could do what I wanted to do; like I could just ... be.

That's not to say there weren't good times and memories from our marriage; there certainly were. I remember camping out in our den during the holidays a few years ago with a fire in the fireplace for Lord of the Rings Extended Edition marathons. I remember biking and exploring through the woods behind our apartment complex. I remember Colorado vacations. Those were good things. Those things can't be taken away and they shouldn't. But the bad things ... those I want to forget and move past. I want to move on. I want to get over it and move on with my own life. My life and his life are going to be linked because of our incredible son. And that's OK.

 

Summer alley

It might be tough, but I intend to make the most of it for Asher's sake and to be the best mom and I can be for him no matter what is going on around me. That's part of why I left my marriage.

I have to be the best me so I can be the best mom. Asher deserves the very best mom. God picked me as his mama and I have to be strong, honest, happy, balanced, dedicated, hopeful ... I have to be my best so I can be the best for him.

He deserves that. He deserves a mama who is moved on and fully present. And that is what I intend to do.

Beautiful Advice to Husbands

I just happened upon this blog and this particular post the other day and it really struck me. As I read through the list I realized what has been missing all along. Maybe I didn't try as hard as I thought I did; it sure is exhausting when you feel like you ARE trying, really hard, and nothing comes of it. But this list made it more clear to me: I can't blame myself for this; he played a role, too. He let go. He gave up. It makes me sad we couldn't have this, that we couldn't have better than where we are right now. Maybe ... better luck next time.

(Note: I may not have chosen all the words and exact ideas as the author did, but the gist of this document rings true for me. I made no changes to the body of this list; capitalization, grammar, etc are the original author's.)

1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other every day. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the

most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you…DON’T RUN AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (Okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15. Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know if she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20. Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices are governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

That nervous pit goes away eventually ... right?

As I have finally stepped back from my life and taken a good look at what's going on, it's been something of a shock. The type of person I have been up to this point is blind and oblivious, no matter how in tune I think I am. I have been an 'all in' kind of person and when I go all in, I don't look back; I don't look anywhere. I just go. And then realize once it's too late that I've made a massive error. For the last eight years or so, I haven't really looked too hard at what I've been doing, right now, in this moment. I think I'm doing the right thing, I think I'm taking the right steps so I just take them and do my thing and do it wholeheartedly, which for me means without thinking. I have always been a forward thinking person - I am a planner - but somehow I have managed to blindly lead myself down a path that has gotten me through eight years of marriage that didn't fulfill but instead drained me, used me, and spat me back out. Now I'm embarking on a totally new life - a fresh start - that I never expected. I should have expected all of this. I just didn't want to; I didn't want to see it because I thought I was working so hard and doing all the right things to avoid this. But here I am.

I've had a pit in my stomach for a long time. When I realized how I had failed at my own life - and how hugely disappointed I was - there was kind of a soul-wrenching realization that settled in heavy and hard and hasn't let go. I don't think it does until I have been painfully and thoroughly honest with myself and decide to face the reasons instead of ignoring them yet again.

This whole year has been an eye-opening experience for me. I still feel like I'm walking through a fog and just leaning toward the dim light that will guide me out eventually. That light being a new direction for my life. I have been so scared to make any real and necessary changes for a long time because I didn't want to see how wrong I was: I made a really big mistake.

The last straw - the last handful of straws, really - has made me finally see what the hell is going on, what I've been putting up with and what has actually been a bunch of red flags - deal breakers - that I've been ignoring all along. Once I finally acknowledged them, it was a huge, relieving gasp of air. Like I've been sinking slowly and never even opened my eyes to see the surface slowly fading away. Once I 'got it', once I made a change - a last-ditch lurch toward the surface - that gasp of air was my wake up call. It's a weird moment. For me it really wasn't just one moment. It was a slow fade, a gradient experience as I was slowly waking up to my reality. It was like waking in the morning. There is a period where you are awake but don't quite know it ... you still drift in and out of a sleepy dream state and eventually the sensory input from around you comes on stronger than your dreams and you are fully awake. Now I just have to see that through and trust what I'm doing. It has felt right ever since I made my choice. It still feels right. Deep down, I know it's right. It's incredibly, achingly difficult, but it's right. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

I'm starting over. I'm doing what I need. I'm finding myself again. It's painful and nerve-wracking; and that pit still lingers. But one of these days it will be gone and it won't come back.


"I now realize that lives fall apart when they need to be rebuilt. Lives fall apart when the foundation upon which they were built needs to be relaid. Lives fall apart, not because God is punishing us for what we have or have not done. Lives fall apart because they need to. They need to because they weren't built the right way in the first place."

~ Iyanla Vanzant

Sick & Tired

I wish it wasn't so difficult to get through something like this. I keep telling myself: Just because it's hard doesn't mean it's not right. But that doesn't take away the pain. It still hurts a lot.

And it still drains me. I am emotionally exhuasted; half the time I'm coasting through the day. I don't care about cleaning the house like I used to or doing a load of laundry until I have to. I don't care about picking out cute outfits for work, accessorizing or make up. I pull on one of a few go-to outfits, comfortable shoes, dust on some powder and blush and I'm done. I coast through the day at work making sure I get my work done on time and with a smile, but all the while I'm just a shell of a person ... I try to make sure it's not painfully obvious that I'm struggling, I'm hurting and I'm not even sure what to do anymore. But I don't think it's working; I am sure that everyone can tell when I have an 'off' day and that something is wrong with Natalie but they don't want to say anything because ... well, this is work; we don't have lives apart from work.

Psalms 71:20-21

You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again.

My brain is tired and sometimes doesn't want to be present. But I push through. And I'm tired.

I push and push and push so hard that I make myself sick. Last week I spent a day feeling miserable at work. I was sure it would pass. I went to sleep hoping for a better day but woke up feeling just as sick. Nauseous, achy and worn out like I hadn't just woken from 7 hours of sleep; like I hadn't gotten any rest at all and was next to worthless for a day of work. I spent the entire day at the office hurting in so many ways, fighting back years, and realizing that perhaps the stress and ache and strain of so much change and so much hurt and so much misunderstanding and so much effort had left me sapped and empty and physically ill. I realized that shouldn't come as a surprise. But it still sucks. And it still hurts. And I still have so far to go.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

 

One Day Soon

One day soon, I will move out. I get a nervous pit in my stomach when I think about this day. While at the same time, I feel a sense of inexplicable relief and hope about this day. It's a very hard space to occupy, knowing the eventual pleasure and renewal that an act will bring only once the initial sting finally fades.

I know that I must move out. I know that our marriage is over. I know that I am the catalyst for that so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised or hurt by any of the subsequent steps on that path. But ... each step hurts. There's certainly no sense in denying that. I feel like I have to be strong every minute of every day, that I have to brave my way through it but it's a challenge. It's tiring, feeling like I have to push through. Sometimes, I feel like I have to push through so that he doesn't completely fall apart. I don't like the confusion of emotions and elements that are present all at once. But at the same time I can't burden myself with the worry of holding him up as I hold myself up through the process, and as I try to finally relieve myself of that very same burden: I've tried so long to hold him up, to support and bolster and encourage and lift up this person for so long to no avail that I've grown weary and jaded by my lack of success. There comes a point when you simply can't try anymore. To do so would be insanity; to do so would be crazy-making. Even Einstein said so, in so many words. It's not giving up; instead it's allowing yourself the comfort and relief of NOT being totally insane with the round and round of it all.

And yet the steps on the way to Not Crazy and Trying For Something Better are really really hard and trecherous steps - especially when you are directly influencing the feelings of another person - that require a large amount of forethought and balance, maneuvering and out maneuvering (though I do not think of myself as a manipulator, it feels like there has to be a certain measure of preplanning and exact choice of words and timing in order to make my way through this journey minimally scathed).

I find myself shadowed by the constant and tiring work of hiding true natures to save face. I find myself trying to keep up appearances and make sure no one thinks anything TOO bad about him as I still move forward with my choice. I'm sure there is a camp of people who already think ill of me and now even worse of me for my decision to divorce. Over that I have no control and cannot concern myself. I almost care more about what people think of HIM than I do about my own reputation; is that normal or just another part of the crazy-making?

Though it's still strange thinking there are those people out there and they may never know all the whys or understand all the nuances of my choice. I feel like that is just one of the many things I have to try to let go of along my way to self-fulfillment and happiness that doesn't depend on the outside. A good friend of mine mentioned Locus of Control to me several months ago which was very pertinent. My locus is very much internal. My life is in my own hands. My poor choices directly affect my life and I have the power to make my life better. I feel like life would be very sad and alienating if I didn't think that way. To have an external locus seems so scary, like a free fall. To me, that's no way to live. It's just hard interacting with people who are external; your every action, every word, every perceived rejection is a crippling blow. Like I said, I'm not a manipulative person, but I feel like every step is over delicate egg shells that, with every crack, complicate everything tenfold and with every rushed step or misstep, wound feelings to the quick.

Divorce is hard enough without worrying about personality and mental differences, bruised egos and hearts. What else is there to do than try really hard to be true to ones' self? Right now I feel that, in the end, that's all we have. I've got to reclaim that at least. And I've been going with my gut all year. No one said it wouldn't hurt; no one said it wouldn't suck a whole lot. It's not pretty, it's not neat, it's not cut and try. But I keep moving on ... and eventually moving out to accept what my life has in store.

Round and Round we go

Over the years I feel that the two of us have never really clicked. We tried; we had more energy and more desire to make it work in the beginning so maybe the total lack of compatibility was overshadowed by our young and hopeful outlook. As time passed and the shimmer and newness of the relationship faded, as overly-comfortable habits and laziness kicked in, it became more apparent that things were not as bright as they had previously seemed.

Lately it feels like every issue - however small - is a potential point of contention. It makes me even more inclined than before to just not bother.

My approach to it from the beginning has been one of positivity, knowing we could make the most of any struggle and get through it together with love and compromise. Isn't that how it's supposed to work? I know he would say otherwise because everything I do has always been negative, depressed, judgmental, etc. Apparently. But if I was as negative about him as he thinks, I would have left a long time ago. And maybe I should have. But instead I have invested a lot of myself into him and his personal improvement ... with no change. I have had what I think is the right approach to my marriage (total dedication without the thought of divorce), to the detriment of my own happiness because I ultimately realized I was the only one trying. There comes a point when you feel like you're trapped. Your spouse thinks things are great while you realize more and more with time that you are settling for mediocrity; and you are stuck. There just comes a point when you can't invest anymore when the return is nil. And you can't try anymore when there is no reciprocal effort, no desire to see what the other person sees and make an effort for them.

When we do talk these days, it seems that tensions are a bit higher, emotions are more tender, and reactions are more defensive. If that's even possible. It's a strain, that's for sure. I feel like I have a responsibility to tell him when his interpersonal and communication skills are lacking, selfish, snide, bitter and when I feel offended by his words or actions ... I feel like he needs to know when he is like this so he can hear from me - even though he has never ever truly listened or changed based on my comments - that THESE are the times that cause me to hate our marriage. THESE are the interactions that confirm he has no respect, no true and selfless love for me that would make him pause for just 2 seconds to think before he speaks. It's hurtful. It's discouraging. I'm walking on egg shells at all times. I'm avoiding serious concerns and topics simply to avoid the argument - the round and round - with him. So I go on being unhappy and ignoring my gut, which tells me there has to be a better way and that settling is not my only option. He says I should just talk to him, tell him when I have these feelings. And yet when I do, there is somehow a very reasonable explanation excuse for why I'm wrong and he's right. And so nothing ever changes. There is no compromise from him. I just go on feeling diminished and ignored, disrespected and overlooked. But somehow, all of this is my fault. I'm breaking our family apart. I'm leaving and "giving up" on our relationship. And of course, because we are getting a divorce, we are not able to have a decent relationship now or in the future. His perspective right now seems to require that we don't get along. My perspective says we MUST get along, but he can't justify those two things; he can't see a life where we are divorced and still maintain an amicable relationship.

What has been so challenging and painful for me is feeling like I have tried so hard for so many years only to have my efforts ignored and dismissed; only to be told my efforts were not in fact helpful, or even noticeable. That my encouragement has fallen on deaf ears. It's like a great schism between us that I have tried for so long to broach. But he hasn't been trying. And I'm fumbling. And I'm just done.

Does that really make me the selfish one? Does that really make me the one who is giving up prematurely? Do I have to keep this up for the rest of my life in order to be considered a good wife? Does this have to go on until we're old and gray together and I'm still unhappy in order for him to think I have truly made an effort? When all my efforts go ignored, no amount of effort will ever be enough. It's the ultimate exhaustion in a relationship where one party thinks things are great as the other party suffers and struggles to feel contendedness with their life.

I still haven't come up with a way to explain and convey to him all of what I just wrote here. The esasperating truth is that I have told him all of what I just wrote here but it doesn't seem to get through. It doesn't click for him because he doesn't see it the same way so he can't (won't?) understand why they are all deal breakers for me. So it's very difficult for me to help him see where I'm coming from if he ... just ... won't see where I'm coming from. I can hope that one day when we have distance from this challenging period that he will see and understand just a little bit of my struggle. For now we just go round and round with no progress, no clarity ... round and round and round.