Asher's Birth Story

To be perfectly honest there isn't much to it as birth stories go. I just feel the desire to record whatever I can remember of it so I don't completely forget. One day I may want to remember it better than I find I am able.


Asher's due date was August 31, 2012. It didn't take me long to realize how insane I was for timing a birth in Dallas in August. Absolutely nuts. As we got closer and closer to his due date, my doctor was monitoring me every week. I can't even remember my stats, but I was effaced something like 30-40% I think, and dilated to about 2 as we closed in on the 31st. I had hoped my Dr could get me scheduled for an induction ON the due date so I could be in the hospital on Labor Day weekend (and get a few extra "free" days tacked onto my post-baby maternity leave).


Ginormous me at 40 weeks (08.31.12)

 But apparently all the other hugely pregnant moms in scorching Dallas had the same idea and by the time my Dr's office called to schedule the induction they didn't have any room for me that weekend. My last prenatal appointment was Wednesday morning, August 29th and I had to wait all weekend to go in for my induction. We scheduled it for Wednesday, September 5th at 8am. That was a long week.

Part of me hoped I'd just go into labor before the induction; the other part was kind of scared to go into labor by myself and wasn't quite sure what to expect if I did. So I was glad (sort of) when that didn't happen. I was absolutely massive and in a lot of pain so I wasn't exactly thrilled to carry on in that state much longer.

My back, legs, neck, and my feet were in pure suffering at all times. Sleep wasn't even a relief at this point. No position was comfortable. Either terrible pressure on my back or awkward twisting and tightness on my sides. Personal maintenance and hygiene were steadily declining on my list of priorities. I can't even remember if my legs were (somewhat) freshly shaved. Showering was a trecherous dance; adding the risk of shaving with a 10 pound baby in my line of sight made it something to shrug off without a second thought. I'm sorry, medical staff, for my dry feet and stubbly legs. But I know you've seen it all.

And the edema. Oh Lord, the edema. The constant, epic ballooning in my legs, feet and sad little sausage toes was the worst part of the pregnancy hands down. I could have been hugely pregnant and not quite so miserable if my skin wasn't being inflated with the pressure of the edema 24/7. I had elephant feet and could fit into ONE pair of shoes (while still going to work). Thank you, Crocs Springi.

I ended up starting my maternity leave just before the Labor Day weekend, on Thursday, August 30, though all that week I was in and out of the office, working from home some and seeing my Dr. It was pretty nice to have a quiet few days to myself and just enjoy my own company, a slightly looser schedule, some last minute tidying up and some major nesting in Asher's room.


Labor Day dinner with my family

 During the long weekend, we spent some time with my family. We had a huge Labor Day spread (the only way my family knows how to 'do' holidays) which included lobster, steaks and root beer floats. On Tuesday evening (September 4th), I made a Last Supper for Kevin and myself: Grilled Pork Chops with German Potato Salad. I used the leftover "It's a Boy!" decor from the surprise baby shower my office ladies threw for me earlier that week (I had four baby showers total over the summer! wow).

The next morning, Wednesday September 5th, I went to the hospital to have my baby. I woke up early because we were supposed to be to the hospital around 7am (I think) for all the paperwork and for them to get me all "hooked up".

I got to the hospital late, at almost 8am and then couldn't find L&D. I felt kind of silly since I had come in just a week or two earlier to take a tour of the wing, where to go, where to park, what to tell your family, etc. Pregnancy brain, perhaps. ;) I found a nice lady who worked at the hospital and she pointed me in the right directly. I had forgotten about a pair of doors that led to L&D and instead of walking through them, I just walked past them. Once I was in the right place, I got checked in and signed in ready to get started.


Contracting

 They took my vitals which included the saddest of all weight checks in my whole life. Not a proud moment. But I reminded myself of my sacred calling as a Mother and Maker of a Whole Human and decided not to give myself a hard time over it. Next, I got to my delivery room where I changed into a gown and got comfortable.

Then they inserted the IV for Pitocin (still have the scar on my hand) and then attached the monitors (one for me and a fetal monitor for Asher) around my abdomen. I liked being able to look over at the screen and see how he was doing.

It didn't take long before they started the Pitocin drip to induce my contractions. I wasn't on any meds for the pain; at this point the sensation and pain associated with the contractions was minimal. I spent several hours just coasting through moderate contractions as they slowly increased the meds and the pain steadily increased along with it. After 6 hours of labor, around 2pm, the pain was to the point where I decided to get my epidural (sitting here today I cannot even remember this pain). The anesthesiologist came in and made quick work of it. I felt next to nothing and then as the numbing kicked in, I actually felt nothing. Hah! Having an epidural is an odd sensation. You feel nothing but you still feel what you're supposed to feel, if that makes sense. As labor progressed and I started pushing, I felt the contractions still and I felt the pressure. There was a very strange, heavy feeling, too from the numbness.

After the epidural was placed I felt the contractions speed up over the next few hours as things started getting a little more intense. Around 6pm my Dr came in to check on my progress. He said I was fully dilated and ready to push. They aren't kidding when they say this is hard work. Your entire body is engaged and working overtime toward the goal of birth, but it feels like your entire body is engaged and working overtime AGAINST your efforts at giving birth. It didn't take long to feel completely exhausted and completely overwhelmed and maybe a little bit scared. Can I even do this?!

After 2 hours of non-stop pushing, Asher hadn't moved. Not even an inch. I felt like I'd been giving everything I had to get him moving and still he hadn't budged. Once he was born and I saw his broad shoulders, it was pretty obvious why; but in the process it was just a roadblock that felt so discouraging. My Dr said if we couldn't get him out soon, we'd have to look at a C section. I understood the risk of infection if the baby is in the birth canal without progress for too long. But I really didn't want a C section. It wasn't that I had an emotional attachment to the natural birth process, but mostly I didn't want to be cut open if I could help it.

My Dr and an entire troup of Drs and nurses seemed to spring into this rush of time-sensitive action as we went into Forcep Assist Mode. There was my Dr, another Ob and what seemed like 6 nurses along with my Push Coach (Unfortunately there was a staff change in the middle of my active labor - of course - so my amazing coach was replaced around 7pm. But her replacement was great and just as encouraging. It was just hard having to shift in the middle of labor). The room was packed and I was determined not to get a C section. So ... in went the forceps. It was all kind of a blur. And when you see those forceps you think "WTF?!" ;) ... And then in just one last push, he was out. We were finally done. And I felt my body give a great sigh of relief. I felt like I was in a fog but I remember lying there amazed at what I had just done, at what had just happened, and waiting to hear that first cry. It came and he sounded so sweet and strong. I couldn't wait to see him.


Asher's first photo

  When I finally saw Asher for the first time, his little face became the face that I'd seen the day I found out I was pregnant, and when I put his fresh bedding on his new crib, when I bought his stroller, when I looked at his car seat, when I laid out his hospital clothes ... that little baby I had imagined and hoped for and couldn't wait to meet was finally here, and I was holding him. I had never seen his face. It was just a blur before, but now it was Asher. That little boy was my little Asher Drake and he was finally here.

Once I met my son, there was some clean up to be done (to say the least). I had lost a lot of blood and there was some tearing. The other Ob who helped with the delivery sewed me up. I don't know the degree of my tearing and I don't know how many stitches they had to place, but it felt like forever before they were done. I was so tired and uncomfortable. Once I was sewn up and the room was put back together, the Drs cleared out and everything calmed down, I was able to get some rest. Asher had his first nursing session and he did really well. I think at some point they took him to the nursery. I wish I could remember. But I wasn't even there ... I felt so weak and delirious.


Me and Asher with my OB.

 As they tried to move me from the bed so I could be wheeled into my recovery room, I fainted. I didn't even realize it but as I came to, I was lying perpendicular on the bed and woke up staring at the ceiling and lights. The nurse was asking me if I was ok. I asked her what happened and she told me I had blacked out when I stood up to sit in the wheelchair. We waited a few minutes for me to 'come to' and tried a second time, but I just collapsed again. This was not going to work. They checked my blood volume and realized just how much blood I had lost. They said I would need a transfusion.

So I stayed in the delivery room for a couple more hours - I can't even remember when I finally got to my room! Probably around midnight - getting 2 bags of blood transfused. I wasn't pleased about that and it felt very ominous signing the consent forms. I was sure I'd get some terrible blood disease. Once I was finally feeling better, they wheeled me - on my bed! They didn't even try a wheelchair again just to be safe - into my new room. Thank God. It was dark and cozy in there. Somewhere along the way Asher ate again. A nurse sat with me during the entire transfusion and brought him in at one point to sit with me. She was impressed that he held his pacifier in all by himself. Asher was safe and sound in the nursery as I was being wheeled into my new room and during the night they brought him in every couple hours to eat. In the night, I had hallucinations which felt really strange. I was on meds for the pain and that certainly didn't help the physical and emotional fog I was already in. I felt like I was hearing voices and I sensed people in my room even when they weren't there and I was sure I was just sleeping through them coming into my room and I imagined myself apologizing for sleeping but ... no one was there. 


My nurse Denise and Asher, hating his bath

 The two nights I spent at the hospital were much the same: a blur of visits (Kevin's dad, and then brother, sister in law and nieces and nephew came to meet Asher), nurses coming in to administer meds or bring Asher in to nurse and broken, fitful sleep. The next day (Thursday), Asher had his first bath. I was really too weak still for them to OK any walking or standing (I still had my cath in place - one of several they had to keep placing and then removing. Ugh) so my sweet nurse Denise did his bath in my room with me and talked with me the whole time.

She was an expert, a comfort, an encouragement and such a kind person to have around during that time. I gave her a big hug when I left on Friday and was sad I couldn't take her home with me.

My family came and visited me and met their first grandson and first nephew. They were very excited and very supportive of me. Both my mom and Kevin said after the fact they felt terrible I was alone in the hospital, not only for the transfusion but then both nights of my stay. The first night there, Kevin had to get back to the house because the person we had come over to feed the cats (so we wouldn't HAVE to go back to the house until I was released) had left one of the doors slightly ajar which set off the house alarm. The alarm company called (on the timeline, this happened even before they tried moving me to my recovery room), but the housesitter wasn't answering their phone so we couldn't get them to go back to the house for us to turn off the alarm. For all we knew something bad had happened. So he went back to the house; it was late so I just told him to stay there so he could get some sleep. I knew I wouldn't sleep well with him in the room snoring anyway.

Here, Asher meets his proud, first-time Lolli, Pop and Uncle:

Knowing what I know now, my mom will definitely be a bigger part of my next delivery, whenever that happens. I know she really wanted to be there when Asher was born. God willing I will have more babies one of these days and she can be right there with me.


Asher and Kevin

 Labor and delivery was definitely a hard time for me. I know it is for most moms. I don't hear a lot of birth stories that last an hour and don't involve pain or some kind of complication, however minor. Giving birth is hard work; it's the hardest work I've done. And when I think objectively about the other struggles I had on my mind and heart at this time, and during my pregnancy, and even to this day, I wish so hard I could have a do over ... or something. I wish I didn't have all this happening all at once. It sucks telling your spouse you want a divorce when you're 4 month old naps in the other room. It sucks even more realizing you've done everything you can to keep that divorce from happening but you've failed.

It's a terrible place to be as a wife and especially as a new mom. But that's where I found myself. Before I even admitted to myself what it was that had been weighing so heavily on me, I thought I had PPD and started taking an anti-depressant that just made it worse. I never quite lifted out of that fog until I stopped taking the anti-depressant and was blatantly honest with myself about my marriage. Only then did I have a light bulb moment. Only then did I feel such a relief, even though I was still at the very beginning of this hard journey. I really didn't want to admit that: Our marriage has failed. But sometimes it happens.

I decided to stop feeling shame for that and instead embrace it because it meant hope and change for all of us. Maybe not now - well, definitely not now - but one day soon things will be better. Motherhood defines me now. I will always be dedicated to Asher and his well-being. No matter what. Over the last year I have seen Kevin become a more involved and caring dad. I hope that he can always be dedicated to Asher. I know he doesn't like the divorce, but I hope he can always keep Asher first, no matter what.



Me and my Asher Bear

 Asher's life has brought a new dimension to my life that has made it more purposeful and more bright. It's interesting watching yourself change as a new parent. Everyone says exactly what will happen but you can't truly understand it until you are experiencing it yourself. It's a powerful new reality of life and the world and humanity that opens itself up to you as you take this sweet little life into your arms and pledge your own life to nurturing and guiding and loving this new little human.

I had that moment with Asher. And I felt like a new person. While it's so overwhelming and, for me, I had a minute to minute change as I sat with Asher feeling the weight of my new responsibility set in, it can also creep in on you slowly, as each day passes.

Each nap with your child on your shoulder, each splash of summer light on the bedsheets as you pull a fresh onesie over that downie head, the fresh air turning from summer to fall as you spend your time nuturing this little baby, each look into those gray-blue eyes as you get to know this new person ... each little memory passes and you are steadily entrenched in this mom thing. Suddenly it becomes you.

No matter how hard, no matter how many more tears you cry now that you are a mom, no matter how deeply painful things are now that you think of them as a mother, and no matter how much everything else around you might hurt, you are a Mother. And you just can't imagine it any other way.