Just Another Letter That Will Never Be Read

It used to be that I would often write letters to Kevin. Even before we got married, I would write him notes about how I was feeling, what I was thinking, what I hoped for. Once we got married, many of these letters went undelivered. And before much longer, I stopped altogether. I'm sure I could come up with many reasons why ...

Below is one such letter that apparently I knew from the start I would never bother delivering to him but needed to write anyway. Here is it, uneditted and pretty raw. Less than three years after we got married and this little glimpse into my candidly recorded mind is enlightening, to say the least. It makes me sad to read it, really.

To Kevin … just another letter that will never be read.

October 18, 2007

Sometimes I feel so worthless, and I really worry that you might think the same about me. Sometimes I don’t feel like we ‘go’ together, or that we even try to go together like we did before. We had something different before. I know that the ‘honeymoon’ stage, though sweet, is the shortest stage of the marriage relationship and it can be really difficult – with work and chores and money and friends and family to worry about – to keep the ‘spark’ alive or whatever. But I just feel we’re fading at times. We have our days or weeks where things are really great, and I feel we are bonded and we enjoy each other’s company; we’re happy and seem to be in love. But then there are other times where I feel we are so disjointed and disconnected, I just don’t understand you. I do understand you, on a simple, human level. But … I honestly don’t feel we are making an effort to understand each other beyond that. We’re married; we should be able to love and care, and to be lenient toward one another as much as possible, instead of getting stressed and pissed.

I know you have your needs and I am very often aware of the fact that I don’t please you. At all. I know you say I shouldn’t feel insecure around you, and most of the time I don’t. But sometimes I get the feeling that I’m simply not good enough for you, or that I’m not doing the things you want or like. I know I don’t do a lot of sexual things at all lately. I know also that I’m probably just full of lame excuses for that, too. But I just have waves where I’m not very aroused. And sometimes they last a long time; I’m sorry for that, and for the fact that it seems to make us so out of sync. There are other times where I’m very interested, and I think I express that to you.

I don’t know why we’re in the stage of life we are right now; I have a job that is on one hand a blessing because I’m making what you and I made combined last year, which allows you a little more freedom with your time and I love being able to do that for you. I have absolutely no problem with making money for both of us and I really, truly hope that it doesn’t bother you. I know you are very traditional about that, as am I, but … like I said, this is where we are right now and I’m just happy to have a job that pays our bills and keeps us healthy and provided for. But on the other hand, it takes me away from you more than I have been in the past, and my energy is not where I want it to be. I’m not as focused on you and on us. Anyway, I don’t know why we are at this stage and going through these particular experiences at this time. But I’m sure it’s for some reason … and right now (or at least for the past few of months, or maybe since we got married) I’ve been really distracted and pulled away from the things I want to be able to think about more. I don’t want to think about work all the time. But when I spend 10 hours at a place 5 days of my week and come home exhausted from all the mental (and physical) exertion, it’s sort of hard not to think about it and take home those stresses. I’m just not very good at keeping the two apart. And for me, stress seems to take away my desire for certain things. I’m sorry for that, because I know how much it bothers you. Not because of anything verbal you could say, but for the physical way you show your disappointment. I hate it when you just leave the house randomly … do you know what kind of guilt I feel for that, especially after situations like yesterday evening? It’s really disheartening. I feel guilty for not wanting to be intimate at 2:30 in the morning after I’ve spent the last 15 hours bringing this massive, and unfortunately life-consuming, project to a close. I know you knew I was exhausted, even over dinner and at the bar. I just … hit the bed and wanted nothing more than solid sleep. I just don’t know what to say sometimes to make you understand that I don’t hate you, I don’t hate sex; I just sometimes don’t want it. I feel so incredibly guilty for not responding positively to you at those times, but … at the same time, I feel really angry that you’re not more sensitive. I think surely we must be able to come to some understanding about when and where and timing issues. I know I bug you, for example, when I come and cuddle and distract you from your TV programs or when you’re reading your comic books. I know now that that’s not the best time to be affectionate; sometimes I still do it, like when I’ve just gotten home in the evening. But I feel like I’ve gotten more aware and maybe more sensitive to that? I hope so at least.

I just don’t know how to fix whatever it is we’re going through. I feel like we are just two people who happen to live in the same place. It’s like we’re detached roommates who have separate lives. And I know that’s not really true; I just tend to sound sort of dramatic sometimes. Shocker. Maybe we just need to work on our time management skills. We don’t set aside time to be together; we just are together, all the time, and it’s not at all special or memorable anymore. I think if we made a point to do things with our free time, like go for a walk like we talked about last week or just go driving or sit at Starbucks and read together or sit on our patio in the evenings (now that it’s cooler), maybe we’d appreciate one another more. I just feel like we’re old hat. And I don’t like that for us. Because you’re not old hat; you honestly aren’t like that to me. I’m still in love with you and I want to be able to show that; I just feel like we’re really boring, ya know?

And I just wanted to tell you all of that today. I have been feeling like this off and on for a while, and I feel like you probably have as well. I just hope maybe we can do something to change that. We don’t have to spend money to have fun together. Being outside is free, and coffee and wine are relatively cheap and always good for conversation … and conversation is free, no need for a beverage! I just like talking to you. And I like not feeling like anything else is on my mind to stress me out. Sometimes I want to talk about things we don’t ever talk about, just our feelings about life and people and … the things we used to talk about, I guess. If we even did. Maybe that’s just one of my delusions.