To Asher on his first birthday - 09/05/13

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Asher,

Ever since you were born I’ve thought of so many things I want you to know; things I tell you every day but I know you don’t yet understand. The day I found out I was pregnant (December 22, 2012), I was happy. I was truly happy that day, something I hadn’t felt for a long time. I wanted you. I didn’t know who you were, if you would be a boy or a girl, blonde, blue eyed, brunette, tall, a football player, a musician. I just knew I loved you and I couldn’t explain it. And as a mom-to-be, I realized so many things that, before that moment, didn’t make sense. One day you will understand these things, too. For now it’s OK that you don’t; I just want to tell you about it from where I stand now so you know how treasured you are and that you completely changed my life.

The day I took that pregnancy test, I took a shower to pass the time until the results appeared. When I was done, I knew the test would tell me the news. I read the strip as I pulled a towel around me. I paused as the reality sank in. I had tried for you. I wanted you. And now … you were on your way. You were just a tiny, microscopic bundle of cells that would become my little boy.

Throughout the next 9 months as you grew bigger, I prepared for your arrival and could hardly wait for you to be with me. I read pregnancy and parenting books every night before I went to sleep. I prepared your bedroom so it would be comfortable and inviting for you. I picked a happy color for your walls that I hoped would provide a warm glow for you when you fell asleep or played on the floor. I had all your bedding and clothes and blankets washed and ready for you. I picked out the clothes I’d put you in when you can home from the hospital. The Bible says Asher means ‘happy and blessed’. I didn’t know it when I picked your name, but the stone associated with the Tribe of Asher means ‘fire and splendor’, and that the generations of his children were blessed. I picked your name because I knew you were my happy boy. I felt happy when you were growing inside me and you have been my daily delight since the moment you were born.

Your due date was August 31^st, 2012. I was staying home from work waiting for you to come but you didn’t. We scheduled my induction for September 5^th; that morning we drove to the hospital and I checked in and got all hooked up as the nurses told me about the process and got the medication started to induce contractions. That lasted for several hours and then I got an epidural to help with the pain. After that I was all numb. That evening around 6pm, I started pushing; the doctor said you were ready. After 2 hours he said you hadn’t moved at all. And I was exhausted. He said something about a c-section if we couldn’t get you moving soon. Just a few minutes after that, we got you out! I knew I wanted you to come out the natural way and you did. At 8:24pm you came out and you cried and the reality of YOU hit me again. You were really here now. You were my sweet living boy! My 10 pound, 4.4 ounce, 22-1/4 inch boy. You were here!

After a couple nights at the hospital, you and I went home. I told you about the house when we walked in so you would know where you were. I showed you the living room where you would play and the bathroom where we would give you baths in the tub and then I showed you your new bedroom where you would play and sleep, where we would cuddle in your rocking chair, change countless diapers and hug away many tears.

For the next 7 weeks or so, I spent all day, every day with you. I was up at night feeding you every couple hours, we napped together, we cried together. I had a really hard time with things. It was a big change for me to deal with and knowing that my marriage to your dad was coming to an end made it all the more difficult. I had a lot of guilt over my decision to end our marriage; I felt like I was cheating you and I still struggle sometimes to justify my choice. I’m sorry for the hurt that choice has caused you. I made a silly choice when I was young and foolish and I had to make it right. I still care for your dad but I couldn’t maintain a marriage with him because I wasn’t happy. I hadn’t been for a long time and I knew it was something I couldn’t force anymore. And I hoped that you would be better off, too. I wish I could have given you a cohesive family life. I’m sorry it didn’t work out that way because of my choices. But I hope one day you can understand why I did what I did to change our circumstances. I want nothing but the best and happiest and brightest and most fulfilling for you and your future. You are an intelligent and thoughtful person, so energetic, observant, playful, and eager to learn. I love all these things about you and see so much ambition and success in your future. You are strong. You are the reason I get through every day.

One of the things that hurts me so much and I struggle with every day is wondering if I’m conveying to you just how loved you are. And that you are the happiest part of my life. You are not responsible for my decisions or the reason my marriage to your dad didn’t work out. I hope that you never think or feel that you are. Because that is MY failure. Life is full of mistakes and choices that take us in certain directions. My choice to marry your dad all those years ago seemed right and full of hope for me at the time; but it was a misguided choice that left to me feeling sad and empty. The best thing in all those years was you. You showed me that everything really does happen for a reason. You are indeed my Asher, my happy blessing.

In those weeks I spent at home with you after you were born, I was going through a massive change. One evening, just a few days after you came home with me, I sat in bed with you as you were crying. I wasn’t sure what to do – I didn’t know why you were crying. I was comforting you and trying to calm you, and as we sat together and I held you close, I started crying, too. I felt so overwhelmed by my new role as your Mother and Caregiver and Provider that I just sat and cried with you about the reality of my new life as your person.  

Before long I had to go back to work. Those weeks were gone in a flash and then I found myself sitting at my desk not caring about my job or my petty co-workers. I wanted to be with you instead. But again, the choices I’ve made in life have led me down the path of Working Mom. I have to see that through because I want you to see a strong, dedicated work-ethic from me and to know that it has its rewards. It’s difficult to be away from your family all day. But it makes the time you have together all the more sweet. And it helps you, my family, have a secure life. I can send you to school and provide for you because of my job. I hope you enjoy the time that you spend with your dad, your grandparents and at school while I’m working; don’t ever forget that I miss you all the time we’re apart and look forward to seeing you again at the end of the day.

As your first of life has come to close and the venture into the toddler years begins, I find myself wondering how the time has been filled and wishing it hadn’t passed so quickly. But at the same time I realize that your first year has been so full of learning and change. You have grown up so fast already and are taking on new things every day. You are walking, saying your first little words, growing teeth, going to school … You are my little big man. And I can’t be sad for the speed of time. I have to be happy instead that you are part of the time I have and that you make my life purposeful.

Your mama loves you more than anything, Asher.

Happy first birthday, my love.

Mama